Eighteen

Eighteen, the dawn of adulthood.

A prelude to a greater adventure. What sets now apart from then is this exhilaration, this hope that a new life waits ahead. A life of hope.

Eighteen isn't the age one should stop striving to grow at. Being eighteen doesn't declare that you're grown-up enough, nor does it mean one can adopt less of one's sense of coherence and rationality. The fact that this age marks independence -- to an extent -- is all the more the reason greater efforts must be made to continue maturing.

In reality, you are alone, hence the necessity to grow to be more mature. Ultimately, you are alone, and the only thing of yourself trustworthy and dependable is your rationality. There would be no one to consult, and only God can guide you through. That suffices.

Eighteen's the age you wake up from your pipe dream.

2013

It's been a year. Hasn't it?

2012, was a year of meeting. Like anyone else presented with a different palette of challenges every year, this year was a year of experiencing. Pushed to great heights, this year was certainly memorable, in a way I couldn't have imagined.

Challenges from Him, perhaps.

Through responsibilities entrusted with in debate and the Journal accompanied with suppression and thorny paths, through goals and pressure, through adjudicating and forum, through a close call with death, through heartaches. Through happenings this year came a deeper seeking in many faculties of life.

Through God came lessons, guidance and strength to pull it through.

Through everything this year came a better me.

Having had two extra years to live, joy and gratefulness sleepily inundate the soul when the year renews itself. Joy to be alive, and to be still alive. Every year is a gift from God, at least to me. And the year ahead will be a year of metamorphosis and a further course of God's refining.

Will the year ahead be smooth? I dare not say. Meeting greater uncertainties from henceforth and encountering challenges ahead, the unknowns will unevenly mosaic the path. An adventure with God perhaps. From this coming year onwards, I believe, will be a year of growing further, of maturing further, of learning, of facing the unknown, of adventures, and of exploring the world in many ways. What will be in store this coming year? Only God knows. And I shall continue to seek deeper in meaning, of the various aspects life bears.

To an adventurous year ahead;

Take-twos

Life goes on, yet as human as we are, we yearn for second chances to relive a moment in life, to undo a lapse in judgement or even to restart a relationship. But it always ends in a dampened hope.

Second chances are all-too rare, aren't they.

Escaping from death, the world now seems to be illuminated in a different light.

Fortunate.

Perhaps the moment death struck open this chrysalis, it opened the door to a new phase of life. A new start, should I say. And I thank God for this second chance to live.

Metamorphosis.

Chrysalis

Solitude enclosed within a layer of chrysalis.

Like a chrysalis, this is a world with a population of one. A world with the maximum capacity of one. A world where the hands of the clock have been buried and ground to a halt. Time outside, of course, flows on as always, but none is affected by it.

An inert layer of chrysalis does not react with its surroundings and thus stays as it is. A place blanketed with safety – that’s where respite lies. Ecdysis takes place, and even so this place remains. A place without uncertainty and danger. A place where paradoxes are allowed to exist and imagination roams freely. Where freedom fills the air and tunes of silence adorn. Where words tell you stories, silence lulls you to sleep and dreams take you on adventures. Where toadstools become your friends and susurrous winds come to play. Where warmth consoles and snow angels play hide-and-seek with you. Where snow-caked hair visits in spring and flowers visit in winter. It can be beautiful being alone.

Respiteful solitude. Serenading silence. Peaceful bliss.

Quotes in letters

What's it to be blessed by God in all ways that you'd feel a deep pit of guilt if you had the slightest doubt that you're not blessed?

God knows what we're devoid of. God knows what we've been seeking for. God knows how uncertain our path can be and chooses the right time to shine permanent clarity on thoughts that have been plaguing the walls of our soul.

God knows everything. And I thank Him for that, for expressing concern at times when I can't bring myself to speak.

Thank you for these letters. Letters written with the pen of the soul and the feelings of the heart seasoned with warmth. Letters I'll remember and read in times of doubt. Thank you for your kind words, concern, encouragement, advice, wishes and prayers. I feel very, very blessed to know these teachers who instilled a great deal of knowledge and inspired me. I'm grateful to have met these teachers in my high school years. Grateful for such an observant teacher too. :)

Little quotes yet meaningful.

有幸可以教到像你这么好的学生，在我的教学生涯里算是幸运的事。但愿你这两年里所得到学习。虽然你可能没有完成高三的课程，但你会是我一直都感觉印象深刻的学生。

有了学习的热忱与动力，日后你在学业上成就将会是无限的。

将来对于你面对的每一个逆境，不要伤心失落，那也许是宇宙给予你的安排与考验。

在这看似文弱，纤细的身躯下，应该有着一个坚韧，有毅力的灵魂，所以我深信你必定能像那小小溪流将那高高的山峰作为生命中的平台，一路跳跃，一路奔腾，勇敢地想精彩的生活大海。衷心地祝福你，能用你的智慧，才情，胆略和毅力，开辟出一块属於你的自己的领土。

Your exhibition of great courage and resilience in dealing with hardship reflects great strength in your character and that makes you a good role model to emulate. 

I pray that God will bless you in everything that you do. I pray that you will grow intellectually, so that you can understand the problems of the world and where you fit into in that world picture. And I pray that all the fear that has ever been in your heart will be taken out. May beauty of every season give your heart a beautiful reason to smile.

Great changes

The changing panorama of life shows you fragments of what you wished you had seen long ago when you were overly vexed with problems. A vision poisoned and shrouded with darkness is of no difference than being blind. Being impaired of your ability to think is a dreadful thing.

Anton Chekhov once said, "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." There's always beauty in brokenness, if one knows where to seek. Life, in its imperfection, can be pretty if one sees it through the right perspective.

The one who affects and the one being affected; is the relationship between us humans and problems just it? What if your problems have been affecting your relationships with the people in your lives? How different would the bonds you share be when you're no longer troubled with obstacles, or at least the way you view them?

Perhaps back then, setting aside our personal problems gave room for bonds to be strengthened and intertwined. I have to say that I haven't gotten used to how immensely different it is now to no longer be in darkness, that even bonds shared with the people around me are much strengthened.

Blessed with light, clarity, beautiful companionship, independence, joy, appreciation, resilience and support. Thank you, God. Thank You for all these people I've met. Thank You for the great changes in my life.

Crossroad

The ticking of the clock instills in you a belief that you're growing towards adulthood, but that can only be true biologically for everyone. As you tread through life's waters, or turn the mundane pages on the calendar, you can believe all you want that you're nearing the point of transitioning into another point of life without any materializing actualization; days seem the same back-to-back, and life, like a train, still rattles on the railway track at the same pace. A mechanical routine. You may think whatever you wish to as you look out of the window and the changing scenery until the train stops at the station and you aboard a different carriage.

Even as you near the marking age, you may not necessarily feel anything; you don't automatically grow a year older upon blowing candles on your cake. Would life be any different as you grow a year older?

Significant happenings may hammer reality into your glass globe. And till then, the clock continues to tick. And tick. 

We can deny all we want that we're still children, that we're still the ones who don't need to pay for their denials. Leaving many homes of the heart and stepping into a crossroad in life that changes your world for the next decade much earlier than your peers ultimately stirs a farrago of sleepy excitement, anxious anticipation, and devastating helplessness. As soon as the confirmation letter arrives, the world will change. There are always sacrifices to be made.

Stranger, stranger things will continue to happen, and that's a prominent sign that God's working His hands in your life. Blessed in ways.

As I waver with uncertainty, I'm grateful for the people who've encouraged and reassured, and continue to. Thank you for the support, love, and care, Jun Nyap, Mei Kay, Keisha and Yihwa.