"Hullo"

If there ever comes a time when you'd come by to say hello and ask me how am I, I'd tell you that I'm completely fine. That's the truth, I'm just occasionally feeling the strain, that's all, but everything's just fine. Maybe that's what I wish to believe. I will still be happy without you. I don't need you. I don't need you no matter how many times I cry even after so long, I don't need you no matter what I face, I don't need you no matter how I'm constantly reminded of you, I don't need you despite the nights I just have to sleep through.

So if you'd ever say 'hullo, how've you been' I'd tell you I'm fine, while shaking everything off like no pain ever mattered. Because after that perhaps there's nothing else to pen down already, so I'd rather you remember me as the stronger girl, before the story ends.

I guess you don't need to even ask me how I've been, my results can tell you that I'm perfectly fine.

I don't even know what you want.

Just look away, no point looking, the clock's already broken.

Shoulders shall brush and no words shall be exchanged.

I shall only be feeling the strain occasionally.

I'll be fine.

Soldier

While having these but not limited to them, 2-choose-1 life or death situations, emotions restricted, battles, yeah I sure do keep telling myself this is going to end up just fine when it can literally drive someone insane. Solemnly.

And no one knows how scared I am.

Deal with it. That's what I keep telling myself.

On alert 24/7 for life-threatening situations can come any minute. Tell me why I feel tensed even when I sleep.

That's what I pretty much am. A soldier.

Store them all up, it's not going to do you any good, be a robot. Just let her scream; she'll know when to stop when she realizes you're not listening to her.

So the tortures were the prelude to what torture is.

Dreams and keys

It's a strong battle ahead.

Wounds can weaken. It should've been overly exhausting to take up a new challenge that bears much weight in determining the direction of a path, but it strangely isn't.

Dreams are gifts -- key to different doors. Keys that unlock different sets of obstacles. Deciding on a key or rejecting is completely a choice. Though, these keys can effectively shove you down the wrong road, or hit the exact buttons, effectively directing you to the happiest life perfectly tailored individually. It's as if these keys were made by One who knows you inside out, who knows you well enough to know your weaknesses and forte in detail, who just knows everything about you. Is this why they are gifts?

We don't find keys, instead we are guided to it.

Perhaps in deciding on a path it is not about how far up you can reach but how lastingly happy you can be. Because life is often mistaken as a goldfield. Perhaps life is a no-retake test, that life extinguishes the weak and feeds the strong. The weak who opens his ears to both good and evil. The weak who wavers and hence fails the test. Perhaps life is a test that opens a road to the most beautiful place.

Then with the strength and guidance from Him, equipped with integrity, self-control and discipline can we persevere. Both beautifully and gracefully.

I'm grateful for all the things He has equipped me with. And this dream He has given me.

You know what? I love this dream a lot. :)

A life coloured

I wondered if I had ever regretted entering debate.

The intention of overturning someone’s perception of being asinine and utterly incompetent took me to the interview. And it was an interview I passed miraculously. It must have all been planned.

Did I dislike it? It was tough, and being barely equipped with a moderate level of self-image and confidence led on to a sense of resent. A thought of leaving came to mind, but looking back, staying was certainly the wiser choice.

It became a passion that took me on a ride into a garden of thorns. Challenges came like a swarm of locusts over a paddy field and leeched my passion dry. And I wondered what good staying in debate could possibly have done. 

But something told me to hold on, that there are better things along the road.

Meeting people was one. I soon came to realize that the debaters weren’t merely as they were to me. Had they not been around I might have carried on with my then-wondrous plan. Credits must be given whenever it’s due.

The enthusiasm towards debate grew, and had I not stayed life wouldn’t have been how it is now. I couldn’t have grown closer towards Kimberly and became such good friends whom I’d go to an extent to keep. I couldn’t have learned so much that made me muster up courage to save the family. I couldn’t have met Zhai Gen. I couldn’t have met such a special friend I’d never want to lose. I couldn’t have met God. I couldn’t have met everyone in church. I couldn’t have had the chance to inspire. I couldn’t have had the chance to love. I couldn’t have adopted the way of thinking I have now. I couldn’t have been who I am now. I couldn’t have had what I have now.

I couldn’t have had the chance to be who I am now. And I know this was all planned.

I’ve met many people through debate. And I’ve changed. And I don’t regret a bit joining debate. So this passion wasn’t so bad after all. I will stay in debate, even when my passion turns into a field of drought. Why? I’m just that asinine. And I don’t care. I’m just so stubborn, ha. :)

And no matter how much I hate life, no matter how bleak things can seem, no matter how bad my life had turned out to be, God always has ways to paint all the colours back and turn my life into how it is with just a graceful swoosh of His magical paintbrush. A life I couldn't have ever imagined. And He will continue to amaze all of us. God is the best potter and the best artist. Forgive me; and thank you, God.