2012 : People (part 2)

2012, a turning point in my life. A year packed with encounters with many people who each left a print in my sixteenth year. A year of change.

The most amazing encounter this year is undoubtedly with God, my Saviour. The end of February till April was the feeling of assurance that I'm in good hands from then on. When you're drowning and you get a grasp of hope of coming back ashore. When you slip and fall, holding onto the edges of the concrete and finally climbing back up. God simply reached His hands out. A mixture of exhaustion, assurance and gratefulness. The gasps for air. "I'm alive."

Without Him, I couldn't have been able to get thus far in life. Thanking God for each day I'm alive.

The people I've met this year. People from church, my class and debate.

Christ Powered Youth. I don't see them as a group but rather as individuals. Abigail, Celina, Audrey, Carol, Kristeen, Sam, Isaac, Eric, Harry, Yew Wai, Chris, Jia Qing, Su Jane, Rebecca, Marcus, Susana, Violet, pastor and Aunt Jaecie. People whom I met at the most significant turning point in my life. I love each and every one of them. I really do.

4 Science Ai '12. Teachers who made a great impact on my academic path. Ms 徐秀玲 and Mr 蔡明洲. Ms Syvon taught me a lot and greatly inspired me. I'm really grateful to have met Xin Le and See Jia; they're people I cherish a lot. Pe Hao has brought so much joy into my days in this class. Daniel my close friend. Jay my photography buddy and classmate of two years. Zi Wei my best guy friend and classmate of two years -- and soon three -- whom I treasure so much. Michelle a sister I dote on. Eugene and Kah Weng whom I shared many memorable moments with throughout the whole year. Mandy my primary schoolmate whom I enjoyed being sampat with and reminiscing about everything. Yuen Loong my silly best friend and classmate of two years who has been through this year's obstacles in debate with me.

Debate from Chong Hwa. Not forgetting seniors Ming Hao, Ceejay, Lim Qian, Marie and Michelle. The newbies Don, Xin Han, Jin Feng and Yuen Loong. The sweet juniors. Debate from Tsun Jin. Jia Woei my silly best friend who has been so caring when I least expected it. Nikky and Sammie my cliche no matter where we are. Debate from Catholic High. Zoey my silly girl. Aaron a good friend.

Keisha from the Malay tuition I go to, a smart girl and a sister I dote on.

Jun Nyap, a brother I'm comfortable with, whom I've been helping and who helped me.

Zhai Gen, my best-est friend, my first love, my ex, whom I'm very grateful for to have met; it was memorable to have loved and love him, and be loved by him. 

Resolutions to come.

2012 : A chronological summary (part 1)

Carrying residue from 2011 to January, things started off fine and went in the wrong direction. It felt like a deja vu for the third time.

A beautiful encounter with a good friend. Meeting God and He broke my cycle of nightmares.

Climbing out of the pit safely and walking further away from it as I walked closer to Him. Debate training and more responsibilities. CQ Teo Debates, the start of something. Memories. A close call.

Time-outs and my affection for him grew. Going to church and spiritually growing, meeting CPY followed by a relationship with him. Became an emcee for The Mighty Challenge.

Building that faith and strengthening my relationship with God. Then the lethargy but I held on because of love. Mid-terms, growing closer to Xin Le and See Jia, going out with him and barriers broken.

Growing closer to him, and the break up. Heavier responsibilities, pressure and stress. Unable to go to church, followed by debate training, thorns and KDU British Parliamentary.

I concentrated a lot on academics, afraid of jeopardizing it due to the wounds I had. The hard work paid off.

A close call came which was unrelated to anything else but the after-affects of staying down in that pit for too long. Further pressured myself to strive for my dreams.

The constant hushes to myself and tough moments I had to try studying. Was I living a mechanical life then?

Finals ended and gotten good results for Biology and Malay. Grew closer to my classmates.

Results and the school year ended which led on to numbness.

A month of clearing up the mental storeroom and sealing thought compartments up.

2012; a year of growing and being refined. More to come.

Tutoring : a reflection

Four weeks of voluntary work as a tutor ended today.

It certainly was a great experience, teaching and being taught.

My student tries very hard to acquire good results despite being an orphan with nearly non-existent guidance. Defying the world and overcoming stereotypes, I thought. Believing in yourself rather than what others tell you about yourself. Believing that you're capable of so much more than what popular perceptions and cases show. A wall to be climbed to achieve your dreams perhaps. To believe in what seems to be impossible.

Are dreams still dreams without having to work hard for it?

Going over to the centre opened my eyes. Helping people. Trying to make a minute, an hour or even a day more bearable for people I'm sent to. Inspire. The passion to serve God burned even stronger.

I should do what I should do instead of doing what I want to do. Exhaustion and thorns shall not stand in the way. Because I'm purely functional and more fortunate than most people.

It hurts but just deal with it.

To be sealed

I guess, in a way I'm glad it happened.

I no longer know how I feel about this. Tired? It's time to stop struggling and give in. I wish I had realized this earlier. In two weeks' time I will have to bid goodbye to these thoughts and come back to it a year later. Packing all of my thoughts up and off they go into storage.

The feelings, though, will still be here..

Realizing what's important, sacrifices have to be made. Sacrifices have to be made all the time. This time it's having to deal with everything.

And I hope, that a year later when I return to the same place, things will have changed in a good way. And another year. And another year.

Time's a scary thing.

If things have gone past the point of no return, there's nothing to be done, is there?

Regardless of whichever stage of life it is, it's crucial to strike a balance between everything without ever compromising integrity, principles and priorities while living one's own dream. Because the world's constantly pressuring us into giving in till we lose who we are and end up living a copy.

Defying the world. It's the challenge I've taken on.

God answered my prayers on that very day a week later. The one I wrote on the paper in church. So I've been learning and growing since then. Learning to see after reality slapped me awake. Identifying the most essential things, identifying my dreams. Learning how to completely surrender to God. And learning how to love.

There, soon I shall seal it up. I will wince in pain when the feelings move while in hibernation. It's a long winter. A winter I've cast upon myself. And God will give the little tokens of happiness whenever needed. Somewhere deep down I know my heavenly Father will smile as he witnesses me grow.

Things I have to leave behind. Things will find its way back if it's God's will.

So I'm sealing this.

Serving God

A story can be of any length. A sentence might just do the trick, or a book can paint movies. Both can convey what happened at the end, only reading the book makes you feel.

Listening to people about their experiences isn't enough. At times you have to feel. Because imagining a feeling can't do anything and words can't perfectly describe a feeling.

An experience must be felt.

Orphaned children at a welfare home. Then the both mentally and physically disabled kids. Kids with tubes in their noses and mouths. Kids who can't have their dreams come true. Kids who can't grow up and see the world. These kids probably have cried themselves to sleep.

Halfway through class we were told that classes are cancelled for the day, and that there's a shirt-painting activity over at the home for the disabled which was just a few doors away. Ke Hui, Shu Ming and I helped out. I remember how overwhelmed I felt.

Moments which make you think twice of what you have.

I saw what God sees everyday. Sufferings. And I've heard a saying that goes, "If I don't love you I won't feel hurt at all." The pain I feel from seeing the kids is nothing compared to what God feels everyday. God watches over every single being, and continues to, with His limitless love for us. Does He feel this way whenever He sees me hurt? The helplessness I feel for I have no power. With the intense pain He feels, He, with His love, tries and never fails to go all out for every one. How then can we ever doubt if He is working His hands in our lives?

I have nothing and am powerless. But God has given and blessed me, and I will and I shall glorify Him.

Father, I love serving You. I'm able to see the world because of You.

Overwhelmed by God's love.

"If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ." -- 1 Peter 4:11

Forgive me for my doubts. As I sin You still continue to love me. How do I ever deserve Your love?

I'm grateful for all that You've given me, for always looking out for me and giving me chances to grow spiritually, and for the chances to serve You.