Appreciation

And as long as the heart's sincere, any gift would look beautiful.

I was so touched today when my Malay Teacher, Ms Chitra gave me a little bag, and in it were two beautiful presents which she made herself.

The heart, the sincerity behind it from one who not only is a teacher but also a good friend, moved me to the greatest depths.

I was given this for being one of the best students in Malay.
And I'm truly honoured to receive this.

So customized and colourful. They're really pretty, aren't they?

A container and a badge, simple yet so special. The point of this is not to boast of the achievements but rather to appreciate, to engrave such a memory in me.

Thank you.

Tokyo Metropolitan Hakuo Senior High

And so many students flew all the way from Japan for this cultural exchange.

I was supposedly helping Daniel out by translating, even for his letter, but I guess I did a pretty bad job as my spoken Japanese was pretty rusty.

Nakayama Ryousuke, who just turned 17 on October 14th was the one we accompanied throughout the whole program. There wasn't a hinge of awkwardness in him at all. The best thing about him is he laughs a lot and pretty easily, though we laughed so much it drained most of our energy. His cliche of friends are really humourous!

Me, Daniel, two of Ryousuke's friends, Ryousuke, Jay's partner Toshiaki and him.
Picture courtesy : Daniel (don't mind the wrong date)
The only picture where all of us looked into the same camera. And I love this photo!

1st row : Daniel, me, Ryousuke
2nd row : Wen Hui and her partner Kana, Peipei's partner and her
Picture courtesy : Daniel (don't mind the wrong date)
This was taken right before they left Chong Hwa.
Oh and, spot Yuen Loong's head. The one behind Daniel :)

I definitely had a lot of fun today, and I'm looking forward to participating, hopefully, in the student exchange program to Hakuo Senior High next year!

Intruded home

A home to people so driven by passion, where every one is equally as important, where everyone learns together. A place which taught us that starting from scratch is possible, that truly showed us we can be who we want to be. A place where in spite of the scratches on their knees they continue with a smile.

Now that home is soon to be demolished and rebuilt. Tension shall lurk in every corner and the overwhelming passion deep in the heart shall not be able to burn as brightly as before.

Being the oldest in the house and having to witness the flames being extinguished one by one without being able to help. And no other notices. These people aren't just losing their passion, they're losing their home too. Hearts weeping and no one else hears them, silent voices pleading for help to cease it but what can be done? Who can help?

The flame which has been said to have been burning the most brightly among the rest, will it burn out one day? Help, where can help for sheltering the passion of many be found?

A crisis so capable of leaving deep scars in the hearts of many. Something must be done. Something. The juniors shouldn't suffer.

Looking back, I'm really thankful for all the love I've received from my juniors. So many of them. I really am. For all the support. I don't even deserve this.

I can't sit down and watch this. I can't. For the smiles I wish to see, for the passion of many I wish to protect, I will try my very best to find a way out. Thank you for the pats on the back, thank you for not walking away when you see tears roll, thank you being in this with me, En May, Mei Dheng and Xin Han.

And I know I'll never be alone.

The two years

The past, particularly the two years of horrid pain were days of struggling to stay even a day clean. The nature of the two years so condensedly dark. A black hole that sucks all the happiness and soul off one.

Perhaps under normal circumstances it is even capable of adversely affecting anyone and anything that it has worked its way to making the nature of the memories of the a certain time-frame adopt its properties. Perhaps this is why hell, as well as heaven, is beyond description.

It's as if we've been forbidden to speak of it.

It has been roughly a year staying clean, and there aren't any plans on erasing that. I wouldn't have come thus far and passing two close calls without God.

I wish I could never remember how it felt. I wish my mind and soul hadn't been chopped into firewood. Only God knows if they'd ever be one again.

Is it a complete recovery yet? The various after-effects that come in ways none can imagine will take time. Or perhaps it won't and time won't do.

Speak of things and you will seem to the rest to be talking in an outlandish language. No, everything seems outlandish. When will this truly end?

59 Seconds : Happiness

A rejoice it is upon regaining pace and consciousness for God has ceased the days of dull mundanity. The fresh air so deeply yearned by the heart, mind and soul to free themselves from the bounds of stagnancy of which seemed to be nothing more than a jail cell. Prayers answered.

Reading the first chapter of :59 Seconds was utterly mind-blowing and too left me to ponder. Happiness. Is there anything wrong with how the society tries to grasp a hold of happiness? Are they succeeding in obtaining it, or is there a better way that can be opted?

Most people have a distorted concept that having more money leads to permanent smiles, to longer-lasting happiness. It's this lie which has been repackaged as an utterly misleading truth that has molded, and continues to mold the way the society thinks and the society itself. The fact that the need for a fatter wallet consistently tops the must-have list for happiness exhibits that people are sacrificing much more valuable and priceless things in vain for happiness. Happiness that isn't happiness at all. That's plainly saddening, worse when they make financial aspirations as a major part of their daily routine and life which then drives them down the road of despair. These people have not lived at all. That's heartbreaking.

Money blinds us. When we're too engrossed and focused in searching for it everything else becomes blur. The depth of field gets short and our eyesight gets distorted, and there lies the possibility of plunging oneself into a black hole. That thirst for luxury that's the spark of so many sins. Jeopardizing moral values, relationships, self-righteousness and happiness itself, I wonder how they sleep soundly at night. When will people ever be satisfied with their aspirations as they grow accustomed to positive financial changes quickly?

And soon, they live in total remorse, or for some they never realize until they're dead. A life wasted. A life not lived to the fullest. I can never be able to imagine living life that way.

When people can afford the necessities in life an increase in income does not result in a significantly happier life, then what does? Suppressing negative thoughts puts one in a tail chase, distractions provide an effective short-term boost but never a long-term contentment. Smaller, simpler things in life, id est being grateful, having goals, expressing love and the power of a pen are so often overlooked and belittled. No wonder the world is a sad place.

Life was given to us for a reason. And I see how God's teachings have a strong link to happiness. I'm safe now that I'm in His hands, and I'm so grateful for that.

Access to the mind

One of Fringe's fictional characters, Walter Bishop once said, "You will never have an idea of how it feels to have no access to parts of your mind."

Morbid and ridiculous perhaps.

Initially forbidding access to a particular topic of a particular subject for the sake of not jeopardizing more important things at a particular time frame, and now stuck.

The finals I was preparing a lot for is now over. With goals eye-blindingly high up I managed to achieve a tad bit more than I had aimed for, merely just for Biology. Certainly I was elated but there was something missing.

Whatever I felt felt weird. It was as if the brain had failed to compute anything. Then later realizing that it wasn't just feelings but even thoughts. No longer able to dive into a sea of uncertainties on an adventure of knowing the unknown. At least for the moment.

Why, I don't know. How did this happen, I don't know. None of the numerous questions that pop in my head every single day can even be answered. Out of the blue I cannot do what I'm good at doing. Out of the blue I have no authority to control my brain, as though my brain, like a human, is feeling momentarily sick of all the seriousness. Utter robot I seem to be now. These piling and entangling questions are smothering me.

Are my memories even genuine? Did they happen? Was I awake when all of that happened? Where was I? Did they really exist? What's real and what's not?

This is worse than being topsy-turvy. Another after-effect of being in an abysmal world, perhaps. I hope not.

It's really dark ahead, and I simply only have this one light to follow which guarantees a way out. And that is enough.

Dilemma

I dislike whom I've become. This is hurting me. Being me is hurting me. I'm hurting myself without having the slightest control of whom I become.

Why did I have to be molded into such a person. Why.

Why. Why. Why.

Prelude

My fourth finals ended just like that. One more to go.

Trapped in this farrago of emotions. Just a year left in high school before I embark on another journey. The world's getting more foreign. Or rather, I'm walking towards the pavement of a bustling road, and soon on it, with metaphorical cars -- uncertainties -- flying past without any blinking traffic lights.

Perhaps lost too as if I were placed on the streets in a foreign country.

Maybe a prelude to what life will be.

The world isn't changing. I am. Certainly, I'm soon encountering a fork in the road as I step closer to growing up, to university life and to the world in its very form where everything will be just given a chance and steps will be taken even more meticulously. Worse for a perfectionist.

What is it that I should do? What story should I pen down? Maybe I'm just anticipating what the future has in store for me, but this certainly is a great deal of anticipation for my heart to take. It has always been me to only do things that I'm prepared for. Panic it is.

Courses. College. I even feel myself personally changing so much that I have a hard time taking it all in while in constant shock. I used to be thinking of nearly slight detail of everything, carefully processing at a slow pace all that my little mind can absorb. Now things are moving swiftly that I often wonder if there are any things that I've overlooked or missed on. I can't hear my own thoughts; they don't sound like words.

No wonder I couldn't hear His voice at all.

I pray for Your guidance, God.