2013

It's been a year. Hasn't it?

2012, was a year of meeting. Like anyone else presented with a different palette of challenges every year, this year was a year of experiencing. Pushed to great heights, this year was certainly memorable, in a way I couldn't have imagined.

Challenges from Him, perhaps.

Through responsibilities entrusted with in debate and the Journal accompanied with suppression and thorny paths, through goals and pressure, through adjudicating and forum, through a close call with death, through heartaches. Through happenings this year came a deeper seeking in many faculties of life.

Through God came lessons, guidance and strength to pull it through.

Through everything this year came a better me.

Having had two extra years to live, joy and gratefulness sleepily inundate the soul when the year renews itself. Joy to be alive, and to be still alive. Every year is a gift from God, at least to me. And the year ahead will be a year of metamorphosis and a further course of God's refining.

Will the year ahead be smooth? I dare not say. Meeting greater uncertainties from henceforth and encountering challenges ahead, the unknowns will unevenly mosaic the path. An adventure with God perhaps. From this coming year onwards, I believe, will be a year of growing further, of maturing further, of learning, of facing the unknown, of adventures, and of exploring the world in many ways. What will be in store this coming year? Only God knows. And I shall continue to seek deeper in meaning, of the various aspects life bears.

To an adventurous year ahead;

Take-twos

Life goes on, yet as human as we are, we yearn for second chances to relive a moment in life, to undo a lapse in judgement or even to restart a relationship. But it always ends in a dampened hope.

Second chances are all-too rare, aren't they.

Escaping from death, the world now seems to be illuminated in a different light.

Fortunate.

Perhaps the moment death struck open this chrysalis, it opened the door to a new phase of life. A new start, should I say. And I thank God for this second chance to live.

Metamorphosis.

Chrysalis

Solitude enclosed within a layer of chrysalis.

Like a chrysalis, this is a world with a population of one. A world with the maximum capacity of one. A world where the hands of the clock have been buried and ground to a halt. Time outside, of course, flows on as always, but none is affected by it.

An inert layer of chrysalis does not react with its surroundings and thus stays as it is. A place blanketed with safety – that’s where respite lies. Ecdysis takes place, and even so this place remains. A place without uncertainty and danger. A place where paradoxes are allowed to exist and imagination roams freely. Where freedom fills the air and tunes of silence adorn. Where words tell you stories, silence lulls you to sleep and dreams take you on adventures. Where toadstools become your friends and susurrous winds come to play. Where warmth consoles and snow angels play hide-and-seek with you. Where snow-caked hair visits in spring and flowers visit in winter. It can be beautiful being alone.

Respiteful solitude. Serenading silence. Peaceful bliss.

Quotes in letters

What's it to be blessed by God in all ways that you'd feel a deep pit of guilt if you had the slightest doubt that you're not blessed?

God knows what we're devoid of. God knows what we've been seeking for. God knows how uncertain our path can be and chooses the right time to shine permanent clarity on thoughts that have been plaguing the walls of our soul.

God knows everything. And I thank Him for that, for expressing concern at times when I can't bring myself to speak.

Thank you for these letters. Letters written with the pen of the soul and the feelings of the heart seasoned with warmth. Letters I'll remember and read in times of doubt. Thank you for your kind words, concern, encouragement, advice, wishes and prayers. I feel very, very blessed to know these teachers who instilled a great deal of knowledge and inspired me. I'm grateful to have met these teachers in my high school years. Grateful for such an observant teacher too. :)

Little quotes yet meaningful.

有幸可以教到像你这么好的学生，在我的教学生涯里算是幸运的事。但愿你这两年里所得到学习。虽然你可能没有完成高三的课程，但你会是我一直都感觉印象深刻的学生。

有了学习的热忱与动力，日后你在学业上成就将会是无限的。

将来对于你面对的每一个逆境，不要伤心失落，那也许是宇宙给予你的安排与考验。

在这看似文弱，纤细的身躯下，应该有着一个坚韧，有毅力的灵魂，所以我深信你必定能像那小小溪流将那高高的山峰作为生命中的平台，一路跳跃，一路奔腾，勇敢地想精彩的生活大海。衷心地祝福你，能用你的智慧，才情，胆略和毅力，开辟出一块属於你的自己的领土。

Your exhibition of great courage and resilience in dealing with hardship reflects great strength in your character and that makes you a good role model to emulate. 

I pray that God will bless you in everything that you do. I pray that you will grow intellectually, so that you can understand the problems of the world and where you fit into in that world picture. And I pray that all the fear that has ever been in your heart will be taken out. May beauty of every season give your heart a beautiful reason to smile.

Great changes

The changing panorama of life shows you fragments of what you wished you had seen long ago when you were overly vexed with problems. A vision poisoned and shrouded with darkness is of no difference than being blind. Being impaired of your ability to think is a dreadful thing.

Anton Chekhov once said, "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." There's always beauty in brokenness, if one knows where to seek. Life, in its imperfection, can be pretty if one sees it through the right perspective.

The one who affects and the one being affected; is the relationship between us humans and problems just it? What if your problems have been affecting your relationships with the people in your lives? How different would the bonds you share be when you're no longer troubled with obstacles, or at least the way you view them?

Perhaps back then, setting aside our personal problems gave room for bonds to be strengthened and intertwined. I have to say that I haven't gotten used to how immensely different it is now to no longer be in darkness, that even bonds shared with the people around me are much strengthened.

Blessed with light, clarity, beautiful companionship, independence, joy, appreciation, resilience and support. Thank you, God. Thank You for all these people I've met. Thank You for the great changes in my life.

Crossroad

The ticking of the clock instills in you a belief that you're growing towards adulthood, but that can only be true biologically for everyone. As you tread through life's waters, or turn the mundane pages on the calendar, you can believe all you want that you're nearing the point of transitioning into another point of life without any materializing actualization; days seem the same back-to-back, and life, like a train, still rattles on the railway track at the same pace. A mechanical routine. You may think whatever you wish to as you look out of the window and the changing scenery until the train stops at the station and you aboard a different carriage.

Even as you near the marking age, you may not necessarily feel anything; you don't automatically grow a year older upon blowing candles on your cake. Would life be any different as you grow a year older?

Significant happenings may hammer reality into your glass globe. And till then, the clock continues to tick. And tick. 

We can deny all we want that we're still children, that we're still the ones who don't need to pay for their denials. Leaving many homes of the heart and stepping into a crossroad in life that changes your world for the next decade much earlier than your peers ultimately stirs a farrago of sleepy excitement, anxious anticipation, and devastating helplessness. As soon as the confirmation letter arrives, the world will change. There are always sacrifices to be made.

Stranger, stranger things will continue to happen, and that's a prominent sign that God's working His hands in your life. Blessed in ways.

As I waver with uncertainty, I'm grateful for the people who've encouraged and reassured, and continue to. Thank you for the support, love, and care, Jun Nyap, Mei Kay, Keisha and Yihwa. 

Childhood friends : 2013

An adventurous day around KL and PJ with my dearest childhood friends. 8 years of friendship and still going strong.

Though, it's saddening to know that the three of us are, once again, embarking on different journeys. Suria going on a working holiday, Wai Yi starting his first job, and me starting college in a country far away from here.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. They showed me a kind of friendship that knows no environmental boundaries exist, a kind of friendship which you're assured without a word that it'll last no matter what happens.

I'm thankful for the love, care and joy they've given me. Suria, as the name goes, brightened my days and made them more bearable. And of course, the sisterly love I've never had. Wai Yi made my past year spent with a company and stood there for me like a brother in spite of being more than six thousand miles away. And I'm glad he's back here. And above all else, I'm utterly thankful for the friendship. Family friends, good friends, and siblings. :)

Thank you for always spending time with me. I don't deserve your love.

Thank You for blessing me with such friends, and a strong friendship.

Finding yourself

God shed clarity to my vision again, and saved me from pain. How do You always remind me to watch my step before I fall?

Believing that you can do it is an ecstatic feeling, it's a sleepy joy that comes at you. 

To have grown much more resilient, facing things don't seem quite that difficult now as it would have been. To realize your gifts from God, one by one, through the people around you. My writings and works, my explanations when teaching, my choice of words when consoling, and me being me. To realize that you're loved by friends and family. To realize that you're loved. 

But most importantly, I'm finding myself.

And these all happen at God's right timing.

The forum's over, but what took its place was a farrago of emotions. Exhaustion plagued me to the deepest depths. Thoughts resumed from where they were cast aside, and were further woven into a messy knit that only served to smother me with discomfort. I'm grateful that the state of confusion didn't last as long as I thought it would. Thank You for answering my prayers.

Honesty and patience is forever a great virtue. I sincerely hope this won't turn out to be a deja vu and ends in a nightmare like how it did. But the most important thing is to leave it all to God. With patience.

Feelings' a funny thing.

Time to concentrate and get all powered up for the battle. And I believe that I can do this. God's here!

Gratitude and glory

God, thank You for answering my prayer that day. You blessed clarity to my vision and only then could I stop from staying at the same place. I think things would've been much worse if You hadn't done so. You saved me from a lot of pain. Thank You for always looking out for me, dropping hints, and protecting me like how a Father does to His child.

God, thank You for the results I've gotten. Honestly without You I don't think I could've made it thus far.  For the strength You've given me, for the courage You've bestowed upon me, for the quiet support You've been giving me in everything I do, thank You so, so much. It feels as though my Father is encouraging me.

God, thank You for blessing my dream. It's such a miracle that You and only You are able to do so. You didn't just bless my dad's mind. You gave me a direction. You told me that this is in fact the path You wish for me to take, and that's, I believe, the greatest encouragement and approval that I've ever received. Thank You for having faith in me, thank You for believing me that I can do this.

God, thank You for giving me rest whenever I desperately need it. "Go rest and do not bother about the rest, I will handle it. Now rest, my child." I can imagine You saying this. :) No matter how wrong the way I was dealing with everything, You took care of me, held me together and never allowed me to break down from overworking myself. I felt that You were there. I knew that someone was holding me together. Were You sad? I knew You were there giving me support.

God, thank You for giving me a chance to adjudicate. You gave me much more than I ever expected. I went there just to spectate the competition and support my friends from CHS but You gave me a chance to adjudicate. I started off as just a panel but You made me a chair of a room. After that you put me as one of the adjudicators from the adj core's panel, giving me such a valuable chance to learn. You allowed me to break as student adjudicator and I paneled with another adjudicator from the adj core. You knew I had no chance to debate but You made a way for me. To learn.

God, thank You for giving me a chance to try something I've never once thought of. English forum. Thank You for believing me I can do it, when I have trials to prepare for, three teachers' expectations to meet, sub-editor's work to do, design edits to complete as a design executive, a debate competition to prepare for, and this. I'll try my best.

God has worked so many miracles in my life, each of different magnitudes, but never failed to show that the impossible can be possible in His hands. All of these things have served to glorify Him.

Sometimes, even being happy despite everything glorifies Him.

Blessed

I've been blessed with another miracle, and many more albeit diminutive.

I believe that God drops hints to guide us through, even through our chain of thoughts. God's love is really too immeasurable; He pays attention to the greatest details, even the abstract.

I'm nothing, without Him. Often things happen seemingly without any reason. Like misty sand flowing down the hourglass, they're as hard to grasp and understand. As days grow into years, it sometimes take a decade or two to realize how fortunate you truly are, as though only then does the clarity shaken you.

"I know that when you're determined to do something, you'll go all out till you succeed."
"And of course you can't run away from the first pay-cheque treat too."

The people around me have been giving me a lot of encouragement to live my dreams. Thank you Ms Dawn and Aaron.

Blessed. Inundated with bliss and assurance to know He's in this with me, as I embark on a long journey. No matter how stormy seas may be, I know I'm safe. Because He's with me.

Glass globe of a child

It can take only a day to render decades of effort in building a family to nothing.

Who doesn't desire to live in a house with no quarrels? Anyone back in their younger days would be very willingly to trade their most treasured toys for their parents to stop quarreling, but parents traded in a part of their kids' hearts and childhood instead.

To a child, the things and the people around them in their early years form their world. Their world is small, yet complete and serene. Very serene. But the pillars of their world waver, and pebbles and crumbs fall from the roof while the child witnesses his or her parents hammer the child's opaque, glass-enclosed world. A glass globe no longer. Destruction has always been an easy route. Yells, the sound waves are so capable of shaking the house in the heart, and all the items on the shelf come crashing onto the ground, that echoes and overpowers all the other sound waves. Soon that's all you hear.

I would have traded in a lot for quality time with my family. I wished my dad had done so.

There's no one to blame. There was just the integrity, sense of righteousness and self-control which he was devoid of. And they say it takes two hands to clap. Especially in a family, or even in a relationship. Perhaps this was where problems arose.

I played with water in the garden today. I wished my dad had been willing to share fun moments with us, I wished he had wanted to go on little adventures with us. I wished, but it never happened. An incomplete childhood is like a completed jigsaw puzzle with a piece missing.

There was a thorn, and as time passed the skin around it thickened.

I remember mentioning that to someone. A while ago.

Though, there's no use looking backwards. Repeatedly reading the first chapter of a story with an undesired ending wouldn't change anything, would it?

Just a raw thought.

Star-gazing

Star-gazing. It's quiet. Lying in a meadow of the outskirts with the scent of fresh soil as the cold breaths of air tickle your cheeks, the night sky, has its depth of black and unknown whirls of ocean blue leave you in curious wonders on how deep the sky is as if it was the ocean. Losing sense of where you are as your soul strolls relaxed and the cold air ventilating your void cavity, you gaze at the stars and play connect-the-dots for as long as gravity allows your eyelids to. Beautiful stars.

On random occasions, and often when you're caught off-guard, memories can be stars too. Stars that leave you staring at the ceiling as three o' clock comes in silence. Puffs of cold air that uncovers the dust and brushes your numbed pain receptors alive. Pangs of pain that get you so desperate to thwart them. You look around the room for something to end this session of dull pain so isolated in you, unreachable as though it had attained a depth of the night sky. The box of medicine contains nothing to help for a while. Arcoxia won't work. While you run in desperation in between wakefulness and slumber, you stare at the ceiling, blank. Utterly blank.

These days.

I hope the preparations for the next two, and also my last two, examinations will be normal. Enough spending the last four examinations like this.

Where time sets a reality to passion

In a paradigm where clocks and the concept of time do not exist, I would live a different life, perhaps. A life of a dreamer, not wary of anything as lives around her speed frantically like cars on main roads.

I would drown myself in the passion for languages. Words, how breathtakingly beautiful they are. Syntax, the formation of sentences. Linguistics, the scientific study of human language. Among all components and subfields, I love words most.

However as I look deeper into words, the basic component of a language, I see another world. A world of usage, history, meanings, sounds, sentimental value, strength, combination, ability, flow and order. It comes down to words, principles, exceptions and systems. A lovely abstract thing.

I could treat words like humans as if they have a personality of their own. They talk, interact, function, work, feel and react. Some are opposites of each other and some are birds of the same feather.

If they are unable to live in that way and if they cease to exist, there would be a hollow vacuum within the language, or cease to function nor live at all. Then their personalities fade as if washed by the rain, and everything soon falls like old paint on a wall.

Time, perhaps is something placed into the world we live in to reduce entropy in our lives, to bounce us back to reality.

Then, in this reality we live in, where does my passion lie?

Science, where theoretically chemistry exists prior to the existence of biology and physics, is a world I subconsciously chose to be in. I took a biological take to science. Biology, the study of living organisms. In what way I view this field of science is similar to how I view the world of words.

Cells, the basic component of physical life or as we call the building blocks of an organism. But the building blocks of cells are elements. Chemical reactions on a cellular level.

Hence the passion for the collaboration between biology and chemistry.

To me, linguistics and biochemistry are science, both down to the building blocks, system and order. But biochemistry is alive and has processes.

I guess this is how my brain has been wired to be.

Perfection and imperfections

Nothing is perfect. An advice so commonly given to people that it has lost its meaning. When asked, everyone agrees. Question is, do their actions coincide with their agreement to this seemingly simple statement?

It happens to all philosophical theories. Well understood but never fully applied.

Again nothing is perfect, we are never exceptions to the rule. Why is it that whilst having clearly understood, the application of these theories in the way we perceive and think is virtually zero? Yes we can be rational and more rational but the soil from where our rationality buds out from has been tarnished by what we call sin.

Regardless of all the rationality you are equipped with, the eyes you see from has been tarnished. The clarity of our vision was never crystal to begin with. Plagued with sin, restlessness and the peripheral effects of the invention of time, we already stray away from God's teachings as we think and live.

We sin everyday but do we realize it?

Countries, systems, the law, they're never perfect. Our country is vexed with racial issues but which country isn't? Laws have loopholes. Our judiciary system is heavily flawed. The grass may be greener on the other side but the grass here is greener than most places. Something to be thankful for.

But can we determine the root of a problem based merely on the imperfections an institution, a school, a country, a system has but not other potential contributing factors? Not wise. Perhaps I'm too heavily 'scienced'. A hypothesis never immediately equates to a conclusion as with no adequate relevant information no analysis can be done and thus no conclusion can be made. Prejudice? Maybe. Another sin.

The seek for perfection deals a great magnitude of damage in ways we can't foresee, too. Defying and disrupting nature has its price. Often exorbitant.

I pray that the world doesn't get any uglier from this point. The world needs healing and people need to be mended.

Sealing

I could have toppled over if I hadn't gone down the slope slowly. I could have fallen steeply and crashed onto the ground.

Lethargy came snowballing its way down. I knew but did I care?

I couldn't.

What exactly, did I allow myself to do, if any at all?

I didn't know how to seal selectively. Or perhaps it just couldn't be sealed by its own. Perhaps it just couldn't.

Something has gone very wrong. What is it I don't know.

This is not me, I realize that. I've realized quite a few things, but I'm indifferent about it; this is not me.

It doesn't matter to me how I'm feeling nor what reactions I have towards something. It doesn't matter what I have to say nor what's happening to me. Virtually nothing matters. Perhaps I've stopped caring. And that's a problem if it stays out of me for too long.

I'm losing parts of me. My identity.

Devaluing on purpose.

I'm doing nothing.

I've just stopped caring. I don't want this to happen, but I can't seem to be able to do anything. Have I stopped struggling?

Mechanical and emotionless. Cries in helplessness. I beg for guidance. I beg You, God.

Nevertheless I'm trying to stay steady and strong. What to fight for? More questions.

Glimmers of light

The prayer I wrote to God on the paper was answered just a week after 7 months ago. Was God hinting that He wishes me to help the ones in need back then?

Pushed to a mental fork-road of having to choose either myself or guiding and protecting people, the relentlessness to help won over. Is this to train selflessness? Perhaps.

I know it's His plan. The glimmers of blinding light that shines through when the darkness starts to cave in like a suddenly-overturned bucket of water; it never just happened once. He who swoops down as I near the limit. I'm forever grateful.

A further course of refining. I'll obediently take up all the challenges. I'll help. Even to the extent of being broken and mended again. I'll do whatever it takes.

My love for people.

Thank you, Carol.

Be mechanical

Establishing a connection or a relationship of any kind to any degree with something alive anchors you to the earth for it denotes that you're mentally, emotionally and spiritually in a location. Caring for people, animals, or even yourself.

Then where are you when you have disestablished them?

You float.

Firstly it seems like it's selfishness, then you realize it's indifference. I ran out of tokens.

God's the driver in my life. I've noticed the several arcs of dull pain, stretching over a period of years. And arcs do come back-to-back. The characteristics of my life, I'd say.

Nothing I choose to feel will make any difference. Nothing I do nor anything I say will either.

So I came up with a choice.

Resolutions

Resolutions.

The things wished to be done with strong determination may not be the things that can happen for anyone within a few months or a year. Some are empty and unachievable no matter the strong determination. The ones to be left alone, for more than a cook will spoil its broth.

I believe that the ones which are covered with doubt and seemingly impossible yet possible at the same time are arguably the best resolutions. The ones to be fought and strived for.

Effort. Effort it is.

But do these resolutions merely act as a coping mechanism? I don't know.

As for all subjects including EST except Chinese, with at least 9A+s. Continue pursuing photography and craft.

Improve spoken Japanese. Learn an extra language, Italian or French perhaps.

Be serious. Let go.