Rejuvenation and forgiveness

God saves, heals all wounds, brings peace to every being, solves every problem; He does all the big things, but today I learned that God guides us in our thoughts. He helps us when we're in the midst of reflecting. He drops hints and leaves quintessential points.

He doesn't spoon-feed us but rather guides us to finding the answers to all our questions. He, like a father, wishes for us to grow.

For all of the lessons and wisdom enfolded in the hustle and bustle of every day, I thank You. For all of the chances to grow and to learn, I thank You. I count myself so blessed for having given so many opportunities to continue growing. The challenges, the hardships, for every hurdle passed, be it miniscule or enormous, I grow. I grow a little everyday.

"Then the angel of the Lord came again and touched him and said, 'Get up and eat some more, or the journey ahead will be too much for you.' So he got up and ate and drank, and the food gave him enough strength to travel forty days and forty nights to Mount Sinai, the mountain of God." -- 1 Kings 19:7-8

Even rejuvenation comes from Him. And He knows best of all people that I'm in such great need of rest. He answered my prayers with a timing He deems right, like He always does.

Last Monday, I was given a chance to serve Him. Ke Hui offered me a volunteering task : to tutor homeless or orphaned kids.

I wasn't just given a chance to serve Him, but to grow, to gain wisdom, and to rejuvenate. He wants me to rejuvenate through this.

How silly it is of me to intend to give myself a kind of rest that could turn myself into a worse person.

"And do not be drunk with wine, which is in dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord." -- Ephesians 5:18-19 

Dear self, if you ever doubt that you don't have what it takes to carry out this task well, remember that all answers lie with Him, that all strength comes from Him, that everything is from Him and will be given in times of need. So leave it all to Him and fear not.

Please forgive me for the times when I go about my day and “do life” without You.

Direction

Heraclitus once said, "Change is the only constant."

Things change and the pages flip to another chapter. Yet another chapter to be written. Journeys to embark upon.

So it's certain now on the academical path. Where I'm heading. That burning passion for science. Finally finding a direction.

After being indecisive for so long, I was finally able to narrow down my choices to only one. Always seeking for a combination with the perfect ratio of biology and chemistry with interests in mind.

There, I've gotten my motivation back. Up and running. Soon it's a life with biochemistry. And a life of uncertainties. But it's a future that I do not have to fear for I have faith in Him. That all hardships serve to make me grow, that everything's going to be alright.

Though there are questions left unanswered. Still on a search for myself while looking inside the heart, mind and soul. Something tells me that the answers are already there, all scrambled and scattered. That sorting must be done. Perhaps after my finals.

Lethargic

Over-stretching for months on end with a wounded heart. Self-inflicted pressure and stress.

I just want to quickly get my finals over with. Can't wait for the time where there isn't a slight bit of need for interaction. I don't want to interact with people. Leeches too much energy which is running scarce. Yearning to get back into my comfort-zone bubble and just be an introvert. To return to the loner I've always been.

Like now, I wish to sleep and only wake up on Saturday. So that I do not have to be in such mental agony of which every tick of the clock feels like a countdown to completely losing something so dearly cherished and significant. The sounds of the ticks are deafening like that of hammering. The hammering of fear right into me. Fear.

As if broken clocks will help me sleep through the nights.

The railway tracks need fixing as the train of thoughts are ending up in the wrong places. Running over every pain receptor, pushing me to the verge of wishing to not think at all. A complete shutdown of the faculty of emotions and thoughts like a machine. All just to save myself. All just not to jeopardize every important and urgent matter. To save my eyes from screaming at my brain to stop sending signals for tears to swell.

I guess desperate situations call for desperate measures.

Childhood friends

Childhood friends whom one has been through thick and thin with, aren't they one's irreplaceable treasures?

It's been seven years, hasn't it?

 

 

Browsing through books with Wai Yi in MPH 1U, Suria and us going to Kota D'sara's Dreamz Bakery; it's truly been a joyful day. It's been a long time since I was this elated. 

Now who says people with wide age gaps can't be happy? Five and nine, but I'm pretty much indifferent about it.

Thank you. And bon voyage, Wai Yi!

Between choice and default

It's either academics or mental state, results or collapsing.

A choice but it seemingly looks as though it's a choice that cannot be made, that everything should run by default.

Depend on living beings that walk the Earth and certainly it's a choice. Depend on Him and perhaps both can co-exist.

Unless He wants me to rest. Or does He want me to learn?

Growing

Hardships.

The realization that I'm in the process of being refined into a prettier gem. Leaves me wondering what I would be without all the hardships. 

The improvement, the growth and the faith. Grateful beyond words for all that had happened.

It was as though God sent a breeze to uncover and reveal my passions ever so profound to show me a genuine part of myself, telling me to strive. Dreams and goals made prominent and there it is : a direction, an aim.

No longer lost. No longer lacking confidence in fighting to live the way I want to, the way I should. No longer tired.

Surrendering everything and having faith in His plans. If it's His will nothing can ever stop Him. Believing in that brings so much peace. And I'm happy. Happier. Better.

Tinge of optimism? Anticipating what the future has in store for me. The future God has planned.

Life's literally wonderful -- so full of wonders.

To choose or not to choose

It still aches. It hasn't lessened.

In await for the wounds to heal all because it's agonizing and interfering with responsibilities and daily activities. Those sound like words uttered by one who's selfish and indifferent to the condition of one's own heart. Indifferent to the other part of one's own self. Perhaps so.

The potential harms possibly inflicted upon one's state of mental health.

How, then, to choose? Or instead, should one not leave the healing to Him?

Wincing whenever it stings while in the midst of coping with unreasonable yet seemingly inevitable pressure. There's nothing one can possibly do in this except for praying and waiting, is there?

The desire to curl up into a ball but the circumstances aren't allowing that. Or perhaps it's not the circumstances but one not allowing it.

At the bottom of the line lie the words, 'Just go on.'

Reminder to self : Faith in God includes faith in His timing.