2012 : People (part 2)

2012, a turning point in my life. A year packed with encounters with many people who each left a print in my sixteenth year. A year of change.

The most amazing encounter this year is undoubtedly with God, my Saviour. The end of February till April was the feeling of assurance that I'm in good hands from then on. When you're drowning and you get a grasp of hope of coming back ashore. When you slip and fall, holding onto the edges of the concrete and finally climbing back up. God simply reached His hands out. A mixture of exhaustion, assurance and gratefulness. The gasps for air. "I'm alive."

Without Him, I couldn't have been able to get thus far in life. Thanking God for each day I'm alive.

The people I've met this year. People from church, my class and debate.

Christ Powered Youth. I don't see them as a group but rather as individuals. Abigail, Celina, Audrey, Carol, Kristeen, Sam, Isaac, Eric, Harry, Yew Wai, Chris, Jia Qing, Su Jane, Rebecca, Marcus, Susana, Violet, pastor and Aunt Jaecie. People whom I met at the most significant turning point in my life. I love each and every one of them. I really do.

4 Science Ai '12. Teachers who made a great impact on my academic path. Ms 徐秀玲 and Mr 蔡明洲. Ms Syvon taught me a lot and greatly inspired me. I'm really grateful to have met Xin Le and See Jia; they're people I cherish a lot. Pe Hao has brought so much joy into my days in this class. Daniel my close friend. Jay my photography buddy and classmate of two years. Zi Wei my best guy friend and classmate of two years -- and soon three -- whom I treasure so much. Michelle a sister I dote on. Eugene and Kah Weng whom I shared many memorable moments with throughout the whole year. Mandy my primary schoolmate whom I enjoyed being sampat with and reminiscing about everything. Yuen Loong my silly best friend and classmate of two years who has been through this year's obstacles in debate with me.

Debate from Chong Hwa. Not forgetting seniors Ming Hao, Ceejay, Lim Qian, Marie and Michelle. The newbies Don, Xin Han, Jin Feng and Yuen Loong. The sweet juniors. Debate from Tsun Jin. Jia Woei my silly best friend who has been so caring when I least expected it. Nikky and Sammie my cliche no matter where we are. Debate from Catholic High. Zoey my silly girl. Aaron a good friend.

Keisha from the Malay tuition I go to, a smart girl and a sister I dote on.

Jun Nyap, a brother I'm comfortable with, whom I've been helping and who helped me.

Zhai Gen, my best-est friend, my first love, my ex, whom I'm very grateful for to have met; it was memorable to have loved and love him, and be loved by him. 

Resolutions to come.

2012 : A chronological summary (part 1)

Carrying residue from 2011 to January, things started off fine and went in the wrong direction. It felt like a deja vu for the third time.

A beautiful encounter with a good friend. Meeting God and He broke my cycle of nightmares.

Climbing out of the pit safely and walking further away from it as I walked closer to Him. Debate training and more responsibilities. CQ Teo Debates, the start of something. Memories. A close call.

Time-outs and my affection for him grew. Going to church and spiritually growing, meeting CPY followed by a relationship with him. Became an emcee for The Mighty Challenge.

Building that faith and strengthening my relationship with God. Then the lethargy but I held on because of love. Mid-terms, growing closer to Xin Le and See Jia, going out with him and barriers broken.

Growing closer to him, and the break up. Heavier responsibilities, pressure and stress. Unable to go to church, followed by debate training, thorns and KDU British Parliamentary.

I concentrated a lot on academics, afraid of jeopardizing it due to the wounds I had. The hard work paid off.

A close call came which was unrelated to anything else but the after-affects of staying down in that pit for too long. Further pressured myself to strive for my dreams.

The constant hushes to myself and tough moments I had to try studying. Was I living a mechanical life then?

Finals ended and gotten good results for Biology and Malay. Grew closer to my classmates.

Results and the school year ended which led on to numbness.

A month of clearing up the mental storeroom and sealing thought compartments up.

2012; a year of growing and being refined. More to come.

Tutoring : a reflection

Four weeks of voluntary work as a tutor ended today.

It certainly was a great experience, teaching and being taught.

My student tries very hard to acquire good results despite being an orphan with nearly non-existent guidance. Defying the world and overcoming stereotypes, I thought. Believing in yourself rather than what others tell you about yourself. Believing that you're capable of so much more than what popular perceptions and cases show. A wall to be climbed to achieve your dreams perhaps. To believe in what seems to be impossible.

Are dreams still dreams without having to work hard for it?

Going over to the centre opened my eyes. Helping people. Trying to make a minute, an hour or even a day more bearable for people I'm sent to. Inspire. The passion to serve God burned even stronger.

I should do what I should do instead of doing what I want to do. Exhaustion and thorns shall not stand in the way. Because I'm purely functional and more fortunate than most people.

It hurts but just deal with it.

To be sealed

I guess, in a way I'm glad it happened.

I no longer know how I feel about this. Tired? It's time to stop struggling and give in. I wish I had realized this earlier. In two weeks' time I will have to bid goodbye to these thoughts and come back to it a year later. Packing all of my thoughts up and off they go into storage.

The feelings, though, will still be here..

Realizing what's important, sacrifices have to be made. Sacrifices have to be made all the time. This time it's having to deal with everything.

And I hope, that a year later when I return to the same place, things will have changed in a good way. And another year. And another year.

Time's a scary thing.

If things have gone past the point of no return, there's nothing to be done, is there?

Regardless of whichever stage of life it is, it's crucial to strike a balance between everything without ever compromising integrity, principles and priorities while living one's own dream. Because the world's constantly pressuring us into giving in till we lose who we are and end up living a copy.

Defying the world. It's the challenge I've taken on.

God answered my prayers on that very day a week later. The one I wrote on the paper in church. So I've been learning and growing since then. Learning to see after reality slapped me awake. Identifying the most essential things, identifying my dreams. Learning how to completely surrender to God. And learning how to love.

There, soon I shall seal it up. I will wince in pain when the feelings move while in hibernation. It's a long winter. A winter I've cast upon myself. And God will give the little tokens of happiness whenever needed. Somewhere deep down I know my heavenly Father will smile as he witnesses me grow.

Things I have to leave behind. Things will find its way back if it's God's will.

So I'm sealing this.

Serving God

A story can be of any length. A sentence might just do the trick, or a book can paint movies. Both can convey what happened at the end, only reading the book makes you feel.

Listening to people about their experiences isn't enough. At times you have to feel. Because imagining a feeling can't do anything and words can't perfectly describe a feeling.

An experience must be felt.

Orphaned children at a welfare home. Then the both mentally and physically disabled kids. Kids with tubes in their noses and mouths. Kids who can't have their dreams come true. Kids who can't grow up and see the world. These kids probably have cried themselves to sleep.

Halfway through class we were told that classes are cancelled for the day, and that there's a shirt-painting activity over at the home for the disabled which was just a few doors away. Ke Hui, Shu Ming and I helped out. I remember how overwhelmed I felt.

Moments which make you think twice of what you have.

I saw what God sees everyday. Sufferings. And I've heard a saying that goes, "If I don't love you I won't feel hurt at all." The pain I feel from seeing the kids is nothing compared to what God feels everyday. God watches over every single being, and continues to, with His limitless love for us. Does He feel this way whenever He sees me hurt? The helplessness I feel for I have no power. With the intense pain He feels, He, with His love, tries and never fails to go all out for every one. How then can we ever doubt if He is working His hands in our lives?

I have nothing and am powerless. But God has given and blessed me, and I will and I shall glorify Him.

Father, I love serving You. I'm able to see the world because of You.

Overwhelmed by God's love.

"If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ." -- 1 Peter 4:11

Forgive me for my doubts. As I sin You still continue to love me. How do I ever deserve Your love?

I'm grateful for all that You've given me, for always looking out for me and giving me chances to grow spiritually, and for the chances to serve You.

"Hullo"

If there ever comes a time when you'd come by to say hello and ask me how am I, I'd tell you that I'm completely fine. That's the truth, I'm just occasionally feeling the strain, that's all, but everything's just fine. Maybe that's what I wish to believe. I will still be happy without you. I don't need you. I don't need you no matter how many times I cry even after so long, I don't need you no matter what I face, I don't need you no matter how I'm constantly reminded of you, I don't need you despite the nights I just have to sleep through.

So if you'd ever say 'hullo, how've you been' I'd tell you I'm fine, while shaking everything off like no pain ever mattered. Because after that perhaps there's nothing else to pen down already, so I'd rather you remember me as the stronger girl, before the story ends.

I guess you don't need to even ask me how I've been, my results can tell you that I'm perfectly fine.

I don't even know what you want.

Just look away, no point looking, the clock's already broken.

Shoulders shall brush and no words shall be exchanged.

I shall only be feeling the strain occasionally.

I'll be fine.

Soldier

While having these but not limited to them, 2-choose-1 life or death situations, emotions restricted, battles, yeah I sure do keep telling myself this is going to end up just fine when it can literally drive someone insane. Solemnly.

And no one knows how scared I am.

Deal with it. That's what I keep telling myself.

On alert 24/7 for life-threatening situations can come any minute. Tell me why I feel tensed even when I sleep.

That's what I pretty much am. A soldier.

Store them all up, it's not going to do you any good, be a robot. Just let her scream; she'll know when to stop when she realizes you're not listening to her.

So the tortures were the prelude to what torture is.

Dreams and keys

It's a strong battle ahead.

Wounds can weaken. It should've been overly exhausting to take up a new challenge that bears much weight in determining the direction of a path, but it strangely isn't.

Dreams are gifts -- key to different doors. Keys that unlock different sets of obstacles. Deciding on a key or rejecting is completely a choice. Though, these keys can effectively shove you down the wrong road, or hit the exact buttons, effectively directing you to the happiest life perfectly tailored individually. It's as if these keys were made by One who knows you inside out, who knows you well enough to know your weaknesses and forte in detail, who just knows everything about you. Is this why they are gifts?

We don't find keys, instead we are guided to it.

Perhaps in deciding on a path it is not about how far up you can reach but how lastingly happy you can be. Because life is often mistaken as a goldfield. Perhaps life is a no-retake test, that life extinguishes the weak and feeds the strong. The weak who opens his ears to both good and evil. The weak who wavers and hence fails the test. Perhaps life is a test that opens a road to the most beautiful place.

Then with the strength and guidance from Him, equipped with integrity, self-control and discipline can we persevere. Both beautifully and gracefully.

I'm grateful for all the things He has equipped me with. And this dream He has given me.

You know what? I love this dream a lot. :)

A life coloured

I wondered if I had ever regretted entering debate.

The intention of overturning someone’s perception of being asinine and utterly incompetent took me to the interview. And it was an interview I passed miraculously. It must have all been planned.

Did I dislike it? It was tough, and being barely equipped with a moderate level of self-image and confidence led on to a sense of resent. A thought of leaving came to mind, but looking back, staying was certainly the wiser choice.

It became a passion that took me on a ride into a garden of thorns. Challenges came like a swarm of locusts over a paddy field and leeched my passion dry. And I wondered what good staying in debate could possibly have done. 

But something told me to hold on, that there are better things along the road.

Meeting people was one. I soon came to realize that the debaters weren’t merely as they were to me. Had they not been around I might have carried on with my then-wondrous plan. Credits must be given whenever it’s due.

The enthusiasm towards debate grew, and had I not stayed life wouldn’t have been how it is now. I couldn’t have grown closer towards Kimberly and became such good friends whom I’d go to an extent to keep. I couldn’t have learned so much that made me muster up courage to save the family. I couldn’t have met Zhai Gen. I couldn’t have met such a special friend I’d never want to lose. I couldn’t have met God. I couldn’t have met everyone in church. I couldn’t have had the chance to inspire. I couldn’t have had the chance to love. I couldn’t have adopted the way of thinking I have now. I couldn’t have been who I am now. I couldn’t have had what I have now.

I couldn’t have had the chance to be who I am now. And I know this was all planned.

I’ve met many people through debate. And I’ve changed. And I don’t regret a bit joining debate. So this passion wasn’t so bad after all. I will stay in debate, even when my passion turns into a field of drought. Why? I’m just that asinine. And I don’t care. I’m just so stubborn, ha. :)

And no matter how much I hate life, no matter how bleak things can seem, no matter how bad my life had turned out to be, God always has ways to paint all the colours back and turn my life into how it is with just a graceful swoosh of His magical paintbrush. A life I couldn't have ever imagined. And He will continue to amaze all of us. God is the best potter and the best artist. Forgive me; and thank you, God.

Appreciation

And as long as the heart's sincere, any gift would look beautiful.

I was so touched today when my Malay Teacher, Ms Chitra gave me a little bag, and in it were two beautiful presents which she made herself.

The heart, the sincerity behind it from one who not only is a teacher but also a good friend, moved me to the greatest depths.

I was given this for being one of the best students in Malay.
And I'm truly honoured to receive this.

So customized and colourful. They're really pretty, aren't they?

A container and a badge, simple yet so special. The point of this is not to boast of the achievements but rather to appreciate, to engrave such a memory in me.

Thank you.

Tokyo Metropolitan Hakuo Senior High

And so many students flew all the way from Japan for this cultural exchange.

I was supposedly helping Daniel out by translating, even for his letter, but I guess I did a pretty bad job as my spoken Japanese was pretty rusty.

Nakayama Ryousuke, who just turned 17 on October 14th was the one we accompanied throughout the whole program. There wasn't a hinge of awkwardness in him at all. The best thing about him is he laughs a lot and pretty easily, though we laughed so much it drained most of our energy. His cliche of friends are really humourous!

Me, Daniel, two of Ryousuke's friends, Ryousuke, Jay's partner Toshiaki and him.
Picture courtesy : Daniel (don't mind the wrong date)
The only picture where all of us looked into the same camera. And I love this photo!

1st row : Daniel, me, Ryousuke
2nd row : Wen Hui and her partner Kana, Peipei's partner and her
Picture courtesy : Daniel (don't mind the wrong date)
This was taken right before they left Chong Hwa.
Oh and, spot Yuen Loong's head. The one behind Daniel :)

I definitely had a lot of fun today, and I'm looking forward to participating, hopefully, in the student exchange program to Hakuo Senior High next year!

Intruded home

A home to people so driven by passion, where every one is equally as important, where everyone learns together. A place which taught us that starting from scratch is possible, that truly showed us we can be who we want to be. A place where in spite of the scratches on their knees they continue with a smile.

Now that home is soon to be demolished and rebuilt. Tension shall lurk in every corner and the overwhelming passion deep in the heart shall not be able to burn as brightly as before.

Being the oldest in the house and having to witness the flames being extinguished one by one without being able to help. And no other notices. These people aren't just losing their passion, they're losing their home too. Hearts weeping and no one else hears them, silent voices pleading for help to cease it but what can be done? Who can help?

The flame which has been said to have been burning the most brightly among the rest, will it burn out one day? Help, where can help for sheltering the passion of many be found?

A crisis so capable of leaving deep scars in the hearts of many. Something must be done. Something. The juniors shouldn't suffer.

Looking back, I'm really thankful for all the love I've received from my juniors. So many of them. I really am. For all the support. I don't even deserve this.

I can't sit down and watch this. I can't. For the smiles I wish to see, for the passion of many I wish to protect, I will try my very best to find a way out. Thank you for the pats on the back, thank you for not walking away when you see tears roll, thank you being in this with me, En May, Mei Dheng and Xin Han.

And I know I'll never be alone.

The two years

The past, particularly the two years of horrid pain were days of struggling to stay even a day clean. The nature of the two years so condensedly dark. A black hole that sucks all the happiness and soul off one.

Perhaps under normal circumstances it is even capable of adversely affecting anyone and anything that it has worked its way to making the nature of the memories of the a certain time-frame adopt its properties. Perhaps this is why hell, as well as heaven, is beyond description.

It's as if we've been forbidden to speak of it.

It has been roughly a year staying clean, and there aren't any plans on erasing that. I wouldn't have come thus far and passing two close calls without God.

I wish I could never remember how it felt. I wish my mind and soul hadn't been chopped into firewood. Only God knows if they'd ever be one again.

Is it a complete recovery yet? The various after-effects that come in ways none can imagine will take time. Or perhaps it won't and time won't do.

Speak of things and you will seem to the rest to be talking in an outlandish language. No, everything seems outlandish. When will this truly end?

59 Seconds : Happiness

A rejoice it is upon regaining pace and consciousness for God has ceased the days of dull mundanity. The fresh air so deeply yearned by the heart, mind and soul to free themselves from the bounds of stagnancy of which seemed to be nothing more than a jail cell. Prayers answered.

Reading the first chapter of :59 Seconds was utterly mind-blowing and too left me to ponder. Happiness. Is there anything wrong with how the society tries to grasp a hold of happiness? Are they succeeding in obtaining it, or is there a better way that can be opted?

Most people have a distorted concept that having more money leads to permanent smiles, to longer-lasting happiness. It's this lie which has been repackaged as an utterly misleading truth that has molded, and continues to mold the way the society thinks and the society itself. The fact that the need for a fatter wallet consistently tops the must-have list for happiness exhibits that people are sacrificing much more valuable and priceless things in vain for happiness. Happiness that isn't happiness at all. That's plainly saddening, worse when they make financial aspirations as a major part of their daily routine and life which then drives them down the road of despair. These people have not lived at all. That's heartbreaking.

Money blinds us. When we're too engrossed and focused in searching for it everything else becomes blur. The depth of field gets short and our eyesight gets distorted, and there lies the possibility of plunging oneself into a black hole. That thirst for luxury that's the spark of so many sins. Jeopardizing moral values, relationships, self-righteousness and happiness itself, I wonder how they sleep soundly at night. When will people ever be satisfied with their aspirations as they grow accustomed to positive financial changes quickly?

And soon, they live in total remorse, or for some they never realize until they're dead. A life wasted. A life not lived to the fullest. I can never be able to imagine living life that way.

When people can afford the necessities in life an increase in income does not result in a significantly happier life, then what does? Suppressing negative thoughts puts one in a tail chase, distractions provide an effective short-term boost but never a long-term contentment. Smaller, simpler things in life, id est being grateful, having goals, expressing love and the power of a pen are so often overlooked and belittled. No wonder the world is a sad place.

Life was given to us for a reason. And I see how God's teachings have a strong link to happiness. I'm safe now that I'm in His hands, and I'm so grateful for that.

Access to the mind

One of Fringe's fictional characters, Walter Bishop once said, "You will never have an idea of how it feels to have no access to parts of your mind."

Morbid and ridiculous perhaps.

Initially forbidding access to a particular topic of a particular subject for the sake of not jeopardizing more important things at a particular time frame, and now stuck.

The finals I was preparing a lot for is now over. With goals eye-blindingly high up I managed to achieve a tad bit more than I had aimed for, merely just for Biology. Certainly I was elated but there was something missing.

Whatever I felt felt weird. It was as if the brain had failed to compute anything. Then later realizing that it wasn't just feelings but even thoughts. No longer able to dive into a sea of uncertainties on an adventure of knowing the unknown. At least for the moment.

Why, I don't know. How did this happen, I don't know. None of the numerous questions that pop in my head every single day can even be answered. Out of the blue I cannot do what I'm good at doing. Out of the blue I have no authority to control my brain, as though my brain, like a human, is feeling momentarily sick of all the seriousness. Utter robot I seem to be now. These piling and entangling questions are smothering me.

Are my memories even genuine? Did they happen? Was I awake when all of that happened? Where was I? Did they really exist? What's real and what's not?

This is worse than being topsy-turvy. Another after-effect of being in an abysmal world, perhaps. I hope not.

It's really dark ahead, and I simply only have this one light to follow which guarantees a way out. And that is enough.

Dilemma

I dislike whom I've become. This is hurting me. Being me is hurting me. I'm hurting myself without having the slightest control of whom I become.

Why did I have to be molded into such a person. Why.

Why. Why. Why.

Prelude

My fourth finals ended just like that. One more to go.

Trapped in this farrago of emotions. Just a year left in high school before I embark on another journey. The world's getting more foreign. Or rather, I'm walking towards the pavement of a bustling road, and soon on it, with metaphorical cars -- uncertainties -- flying past without any blinking traffic lights.

Perhaps lost too as if I were placed on the streets in a foreign country.

Maybe a prelude to what life will be.

The world isn't changing. I am. Certainly, I'm soon encountering a fork in the road as I step closer to growing up, to university life and to the world in its very form where everything will be just given a chance and steps will be taken even more meticulously. Worse for a perfectionist.

What is it that I should do? What story should I pen down? Maybe I'm just anticipating what the future has in store for me, but this certainly is a great deal of anticipation for my heart to take. It has always been me to only do things that I'm prepared for. Panic it is.

Courses. College. I even feel myself personally changing so much that I have a hard time taking it all in while in constant shock. I used to be thinking of nearly slight detail of everything, carefully processing at a slow pace all that my little mind can absorb. Now things are moving swiftly that I often wonder if there are any things that I've overlooked or missed on. I can't hear my own thoughts; they don't sound like words.

No wonder I couldn't hear His voice at all.

I pray for Your guidance, God.

Rejuvenation and forgiveness

God saves, heals all wounds, brings peace to every being, solves every problem; He does all the big things, but today I learned that God guides us in our thoughts. He helps us when we're in the midst of reflecting. He drops hints and leaves quintessential points.

He doesn't spoon-feed us but rather guides us to finding the answers to all our questions. He, like a father, wishes for us to grow.

For all of the lessons and wisdom enfolded in the hustle and bustle of every day, I thank You. For all of the chances to grow and to learn, I thank You. I count myself so blessed for having given so many opportunities to continue growing. The challenges, the hardships, for every hurdle passed, be it miniscule or enormous, I grow. I grow a little everyday.

"Then the angel of the Lord came again and touched him and said, 'Get up and eat some more, or the journey ahead will be too much for you.' So he got up and ate and drank, and the food gave him enough strength to travel forty days and forty nights to Mount Sinai, the mountain of God." -- 1 Kings 19:7-8

Even rejuvenation comes from Him. And He knows best of all people that I'm in such great need of rest. He answered my prayers with a timing He deems right, like He always does.

Last Monday, I was given a chance to serve Him. Ke Hui offered me a volunteering task : to tutor homeless or orphaned kids.

I wasn't just given a chance to serve Him, but to grow, to gain wisdom, and to rejuvenate. He wants me to rejuvenate through this.

How silly it is of me to intend to give myself a kind of rest that could turn myself into a worse person.

"And do not be drunk with wine, which is in dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord." -- Ephesians 5:18-19 

Dear self, if you ever doubt that you don't have what it takes to carry out this task well, remember that all answers lie with Him, that all strength comes from Him, that everything is from Him and will be given in times of need. So leave it all to Him and fear not.

Please forgive me for the times when I go about my day and “do life” without You.

Direction

Heraclitus once said, "Change is the only constant."

Things change and the pages flip to another chapter. Yet another chapter to be written. Journeys to embark upon.

So it's certain now on the academical path. Where I'm heading. That burning passion for science. Finally finding a direction.

After being indecisive for so long, I was finally able to narrow down my choices to only one. Always seeking for a combination with the perfect ratio of biology and chemistry with interests in mind.

There, I've gotten my motivation back. Up and running. Soon it's a life with biochemistry. And a life of uncertainties. But it's a future that I do not have to fear for I have faith in Him. That all hardships serve to make me grow, that everything's going to be alright.

Though there are questions left unanswered. Still on a search for myself while looking inside the heart, mind and soul. Something tells me that the answers are already there, all scrambled and scattered. That sorting must be done. Perhaps after my finals.

Lethargic

Over-stretching for months on end with a wounded heart. Self-inflicted pressure and stress.

I just want to quickly get my finals over with. Can't wait for the time where there isn't a slight bit of need for interaction. I don't want to interact with people. Leeches too much energy which is running scarce. Yearning to get back into my comfort-zone bubble and just be an introvert. To return to the loner I've always been.

Like now, I wish to sleep and only wake up on Saturday. So that I do not have to be in such mental agony of which every tick of the clock feels like a countdown to completely losing something so dearly cherished and significant. The sounds of the ticks are deafening like that of hammering. The hammering of fear right into me. Fear.

As if broken clocks will help me sleep through the nights.

The railway tracks need fixing as the train of thoughts are ending up in the wrong places. Running over every pain receptor, pushing me to the verge of wishing to not think at all. A complete shutdown of the faculty of emotions and thoughts like a machine. All just to save myself. All just not to jeopardize every important and urgent matter. To save my eyes from screaming at my brain to stop sending signals for tears to swell.

I guess desperate situations call for desperate measures.

Childhood friends

Childhood friends whom one has been through thick and thin with, aren't they one's irreplaceable treasures?

It's been seven years, hasn't it?

 

 

Browsing through books with Wai Yi in MPH 1U, Suria and us going to Kota D'sara's Dreamz Bakery; it's truly been a joyful day. It's been a long time since I was this elated. 

Now who says people with wide age gaps can't be happy? Five and nine, but I'm pretty much indifferent about it.

Thank you. And bon voyage, Wai Yi!

Between choice and default

It's either academics or mental state, results or collapsing.

A choice but it seemingly looks as though it's a choice that cannot be made, that everything should run by default.

Depend on living beings that walk the Earth and certainly it's a choice. Depend on Him and perhaps both can co-exist.

Unless He wants me to rest. Or does He want me to learn?

Growing

Hardships.

The realization that I'm in the process of being refined into a prettier gem. Leaves me wondering what I would be without all the hardships. 

The improvement, the growth and the faith. Grateful beyond words for all that had happened.

It was as though God sent a breeze to uncover and reveal my passions ever so profound to show me a genuine part of myself, telling me to strive. Dreams and goals made prominent and there it is : a direction, an aim.

No longer lost. No longer lacking confidence in fighting to live the way I want to, the way I should. No longer tired.

Surrendering everything and having faith in His plans. If it's His will nothing can ever stop Him. Believing in that brings so much peace. And I'm happy. Happier. Better.

Tinge of optimism? Anticipating what the future has in store for me. The future God has planned.

Life's literally wonderful -- so full of wonders.

To choose or not to choose

It still aches. It hasn't lessened.

In await for the wounds to heal all because it's agonizing and interfering with responsibilities and daily activities. Those sound like words uttered by one who's selfish and indifferent to the condition of one's own heart. Indifferent to the other part of one's own self. Perhaps so.

The potential harms possibly inflicted upon one's state of mental health.

How, then, to choose? Or instead, should one not leave the healing to Him?

Wincing whenever it stings while in the midst of coping with unreasonable yet seemingly inevitable pressure. There's nothing one can possibly do in this except for praying and waiting, is there?

The desire to curl up into a ball but the circumstances aren't allowing that. Or perhaps it's not the circumstances but one not allowing it.

At the bottom of the line lie the words, 'Just go on.'

Reminder to self : Faith in God includes faith in His timing.

When nothing seems right

When nothing seems right, negative thoughts of all sorts hit us. Wanting to give up when there's seemingly no light at the end of the tunnel. When there are no junctions of change to turn at.

When nothing seems right.

Nothing seems right?

Rarely if not never anyone says that all seems to be wrong rather than nothing seems to be right. We are so sure of nothing seeming to be right yet unable to confirm if all is wrong. Contradictory.

Pessimism, one of the many pawns the devil has, strikes at every chance with the desire to override our minds.

No one cares. No one loves me. I'm worthless. Familiar, aren't they.. Those are the untruths, truths till a certain extent, for in actual fact quite a few words were erased. No one whom I expect to care cares. No one that I know of loves me. I'm worthless for that's most probably why no one loves me and no one cares.

Blinded we are by pessimism. Robbed we are of joy and freedom.

When and only when we open our eyes are we able to notice the little blessings we have -- the people who care, the ones who love us, all of them. On a bad hectic day when I was in need of some cheering-ups, facing the possibility of missing my lunch and thus not being able to take some painkillers for my leg, some chocolates from See Jia and a lunchbox from Zi Wei, albeit diminutive, these little acts of care and love shook me awake from my daydream.

The impeccable absence of care and love never exists in the whole of mankind, for He loves each and every one of us unconditionally. And knowing that is enough. More than enough.

So open your eyes and you will see.

Questioning existence and staying firm

Every existence and every happening each serves a purpose in our lives. For various reasons do things happen but it all boils down to the very conclusion that is beyond question -- they serve to mold us into better people through the experience we gain.

But why do we exist?

Bludgeoned by the happenings in one's life, he is left pondering upon the reason behind his existence. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

It's vicious indeed that our train of thoughts may potentially fall off a bridge if we aren't aware of where it is taking us to. One may end up spiraling into doom and having earned a one-way ticket to a hell-like abyssal realm.

Self-realization is what this is all about.

But then again, what sort of self-realization is crucial here? What is it that we must bear in mind at all times? Why do we have to remind ourselves?

Affliction, more often than not, distorts our sight or even blinds us, robbing us of our ability to distinguish between the right and wrong. Then we're no different from unarmed soldiers in a raging battlefield, helpless and defenseless, ever so prone to succumbing to the Devil's temptations and unwittingly complying with his commands. That's when we have solemnly chanced upon trouble. How helpless we are then of having no control over our own heart, mind and soul?

Jesus said, "Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you." To keep one's eyes focused on Him, and everything will fall in place in life. It's when we stray from Him that we suffer. It is to have faith and follow Him that this lesson is about. This time around I have kept -- and will always keep -- in mind the job He has given me. Because I yearn to serve Him and His people, I shall continue this journey.

Note to self : Isaiah 41:10